The most common version one is likely to encounter is a gentleman with the following appearance (Most hipsters will be men because most women are above this bullshit): His hair will be shaved close on the sides and the back, and the top will always be gelled to the side. He'll have glasses and most likely not need them. Most prominently, is the stupid fucking beard. Who told these assholes that "homeless wizard" was a good look? They need to shave that ridiculous rug of chin pubes. This version is the most common of the PBR drinking, beard oil buying shitheads that make potentially cool and quirky businesses unapproachable because I don't want to wade through a sea of unwashed necks just to buy a bag of artisan cashews. Just thinking about these fake chucklefucks is irritating. But that's their whole point of existence right?
The next type of hipster is a little less common, but no less pretentious and irritating. This is usually the kind of douchebag that will proudly sport a man-bun. The most prominent feature here is, not surprisingly, facial hair, meant to draw attention they'll pretend not to care about. In this case it's a handlebar mustache, but not the rugged biker kind. Think John Wilkes Booth, or Captain Hook. Yes it looks that stupid. This walking eugenics advertisement will wear Victorian clothes, but not in a cool steampunk way. More like the worn out props that a theater donates to a thrift store, which is then thrown away. He can be found in a Starbucks with a fucking typewriter. He won't buy anything because his precious taste buds can't be soiled by your peasant river water coffee. Instead a mug of horchata or some other nonsense will be on the table, and if you ask where he got it, the reply will be, "It's from a place on the other end of town. You haven't heard of it." Sometimes a rare specimen will combine the Captain Hook mustache with the homeless wizard beard to create an exclamation point of fuckery on his stupid hipster face.
I mentioned before that most women are above this fad, but there is a type that is mostly female. Almost all of them will fit into this classification: White girl with dreadlocks. Most of us know some poor soul that thinks this look is not disgusting. Us no-rhythm-having cargo-shorts-wearing whiteys have no business wearing dreadlocks at all. We don't have the right kind of hair for it. Black people have great hair for this. They can actually clean and maintain a set of tight dreads and look cool. When I see one of these drum circle rejects haunting a local craft fair, I always wonder when they last bathed. Do they think it looks good? No white girl's appearance is enhanced by a nest of greasy dirt snakes on their head.
I know I'm being an ignorant shit. So before you remind me that I'm closer to forty than twenty, and that time and fads change, I know that everyone deserves a chance to be who they are, and my ranting and raving, in the end, means nothing. So if you, Dear Reader, are offended by this blog, then you're probably one of the people I'm talking about. So get rid of those dreads and trim your fucking beard. That padded bra of manliness on your face makes you look like something I would wash dishes with. Maybe I'm jealous because when I try to grow a beard it just looks like a sad forest with only one tree per acre. But fuck it, you want to look like Robin Williams from Jumanji, or a schizophrenic Gandalf? Fine, enjoy your goddamn horchata.
"In December drinking horchata
I'd look psychotic in a balaclava
Winter's cold is too much to handle
Pincher crabs that pinch at your sandals" --Vampire Weekend
*Memes pulled from quickmeme.com and memegenerator.net
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